Earthquake!

There are some days on which I feel as though everything is ultimately going to be alright; that no matter what craziness life throws my way, I am equipped to deal with it; no matter how hard it rains or how deep the snow falls, I am prepared; no matter how weird things get, I'll get through it.


Then there are the todays.

I am a hopeless, frustrated, thwarted basket case. My every communication is garbled and hence misunderstood. My thoughts are mired in mud. Everything is deeply personal. I am pissed off at the world and everyone in it.

So, how does one reconcile these two realities? There is a lot of pop psychology out there that tells you to act like the person you want to be. Put on a happy face and you will be happy. But what if your happy face won't be put on? What if it is an ill-fitting, distorted mask that makes you look like a demented clown? If little children shriek and run away when they see you?

It is really hot and humid outside today. We are expecting "severe" thunderstorms this afternoon. I am scheduled to drive into Guelph to cook dinner with an old friend. We will hang out in her newly renovated kitchen, talking and drinking wine, cooking dinner with her kids... this should be a rewarding, fun, relaxing activity. However, instead of looking forward to it, I am brooding over it. My distorted thought process goes something like this: What if I don't have anything interesting to talk about? God, my life is so boring... she's going to think I'm such a pathetic loser... and what the hell am I going to make, anyway? It had better be good. What if her kids are picky eaters? Will we have to cook something else for them? I'm not feeling that energetic... and we'll probably have a power failure or something stupid... why do I always pick the worst possible time for things like this...?

You get the idea. Neurotic negativity. Putting lots of unnecessary pressure on myself.

Why do I do this? On another day, I wouldn't. I would plan an enjoyable evening with my old friend, and that is how it would unfold.

So, I took a break there, saved that as a draft and went out to run errands. While I'm out, running around swearing, getting groceries and bitching about what a headcase I'm turning into, we have an earthquake! No kidding! An honest to goodness, actual, ground-shaking, building-trembling earthquake!
And suddenly that's all anyone is talking about, "Did you feel it?" "Where were you?" "I heard it was a 5.7!" "I heard 5.0!" "It was a good one!"

And suddenly, all of my stupid neurotic little worries are kind of washed away. An earthquake! Cool! On my way back home, it starts to rain a little. We might get a LOT of rain today; they're calling for several centimeters! That should make my trip to Guelph extra exciting... this is turning out to be an exciting kind of day...

Re-reading this post, I think "So, you're hopelessly fickle. Do you think people will find that endearing?" The answer is I'm trying not to care. I think people are crazy, all of us. I just keep hoping that if I write enough of my craziness down, I'll start to understand it. And maybe someone else will understand it too. Then we can be friends and cook dinner together on earthquake days, and talk about how sometimes we stress over stupid little things. That is my fond hope.